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Thread: Jokes!

  1. #1
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    Jokes!

    "I wouldn't mind being the last man on Earth--- Just to see if all the girls were telling the truth.

  2. #2
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    Hmm...

    "I wouldn't mind being the last woman on Earth--- Just to see if all the men were telling the truth."


  3. #3
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    Woman: "If you were the last man on Earth, and I were the last woman, the human race would die out!"

    Man: "Well, we could always adopt."
    Last edited by Noclevername; 2007-Nov-17 at 05:36 AM. Reason: doy
    "I'm planning to live forever. So far, that's working perfectly." Steven Wright

  4. #4
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    watch out for a new email scame:

    someone emails you saying, "I have 50 marsbars that i need to get out of the country but my gran needs a few dollars for the postage. If you wire me the money; you can have 6 mars bars"

    beware; this is the nugarian scam.
    ................................

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Frog march View Post
    watch out for a new email scame:

    someone emails you saying, "I have 50 marsbars that i need to get out of the country but my gran needs a few dollars for the postage. If you wire me the money; you can have 6 mars bars"

    beware; this is the nugarian scam.
    It's pretty obvious that it's a fraud, if you pay attention; there aren't enough drinkers on Mars to open even one bar.
    "I'm planning to live forever. So far, that's working perfectly." Steven Wright

  6. #6
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    What do astronauts, human cannonballs and models have in common?

    They all love to get shot.
    "I'm planning to live forever. So far, that's working perfectly." Steven Wright

  7. #7
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    Just picture this:
    Bart Sibrel bothering Bruce Banner.
    The greatest journey of all time, for all to see
    Every mission makes our dreams reality
    And our destiny begins with you and me
    Through all space and time, the achievement of mankind
    As we sail the sea of discovery, on heroes’ wings we fly!

  8. #8
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    How many BAUTers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One to change the bulb, the rest to nitpick about how it should have been changed.
    "I'm planning to live forever. So far, that's working perfectly." Steven Wright

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Noclevername View Post
    How many BAUTers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One to change the bulb, the rest to nitpick about how it should have been changed.

  10. #10
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    How many BAUTers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    Dunno. We never did figure out what forum to put that discussion in. Can anyone phrase this in the form of a defensible ATM?

    (Lame, I know. But my "good" joke is probably not suitable for the board.)
    "Words that make questions may not be questions at all."
    - Neil deGrasse Tyson, answering loaded question in ten words or less
    at a 2010 talk MCed by Stephen Colbert.

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Moose View Post
    (Lame, I know. But my "good" joke is probably not suitable for the board.)
    And your suitable joke isn't... never mind.
    "I'm planning to live forever. So far, that's working perfectly." Steven Wright

  12. #12
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    Re: Jokes!

    Quote Originally Posted by Fraunkensteen View Post
    "I wouldn't mind being the last man on Earth--- Just to see if all the girls were telling the truth.
    Is that one of the wilder versions of your jokes?

    I don't feel elevated.

    Too late!

  13. #13
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    How many burglers does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Only one, but you need to post a guard to make sure he doesn't steal the lightbulb!
    The greatest journey of all time, for all to see
    Every mission makes our dreams reality
    And our destiny begins with you and me
    Through all space and time, the achievement of mankind
    As we sail the sea of discovery, on heroes’ wings we fly!

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by Noclevername View Post
    How many BAUTers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One to change the bulb, the rest to nitpick about how it should have been changed.
    ToSeeked
    At night the stars put on a show for free (Carole King)

    All moderation in purple - The rules

  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Swift View Post
    Yeah, but I expressed it more elegantly.
    "I'm planning to live forever. So far, that's working perfectly." Steven Wright

  16. #16
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    Here’s to the bee that stung the bull,
    And started the bull to bucking.
    Here’s to Eve who ate the apple,
    And started the world to eating apples.
    Speed of light = 1.802,265,898 MegaFurlongs / MicroFortnight

  17. #17
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    How did regifting begin?
    The gods gave fire to Prometheus.
    Prometheus gave fire to the humans.
    The greatest journey of all time, for all to see
    Every mission makes our dreams reality
    And our destiny begins with you and me
    Through all space and time, the achievement of mankind
    As we sail the sea of discovery, on heroes’ wings we fly!

  18. #18
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    I spend money with reckless abandon. Last month I blew $5,000 at a reincarnation seminar. I got to thinking,"what the hell, you only live once."

  19. #19
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    I was goung to buy a copy of "The Power Of Positive Thinking", and then I thought: "What the hell good would that do?"

  20. #20
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    I dont know much jokes but i must say thanks to you guys for making me laugh.

  21. #21
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    Welcome, DM! Laughter's a good way to get started.
    "I'm planning to live forever. So far, that's working perfectly." Steven Wright

  22. #22
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    First - let me just say that BAUTer's will not accept this Steven Wright-ism for what it is:

    "If you were to drive at the speed of light and turn your headlights on, would you notice?"

    *not funny to those who actually know, but when I was less informed - I thought it was funny.

    "I put brick looking wall paper over my brick wall. Go ahead, touch it, it feels real." - Wright

    "I put a skylight in my apartment. The upstairs neighbors were ticked." - Wright

  23. #23
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    Re: Jokes!

    Ah the Wright Stuff!
    The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
    And a little for those CT/HBs out there.
    All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
    My MO for life:
    If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
    Another for the HB/CT crowd:
    Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
    And, finally, my ultimate life creed...
    I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
    Meanwhile, Welcome to the BAUT, devilsmaster!

    Read the FAQs, especially the rules, and have fun.

  24. #24
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    SW: "One day I mixed up my car keys and my house keys, and started up my house."

    "I parked it on the highway and said, all you people, get out of my driveway."
    "I'm planning to live forever. So far, that's working perfectly." Steven Wright

  25. #25
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    There was some younger, cooler comedian that died recently. I knew some people who would talk about how great and original he was. I read some of his stuff and it was just recycled Steven Wright. I'm drawing a blank on his name though. He would use a few more colorful metaphors than Wright - that was the biggest difference.

  26. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by Spock Jenkins View Post
    There was some younger, cooler comedian that died recently. I knew some people who would talk about how great and original he was. I read some of his stuff and it was just recycled Steven Wright. I'm drawing a blank on his name though. He would use a few more colorful metaphors than Wright - that was the biggest difference.
    Are you thinking about mitch hedberg?

    "Every book is a children's book if the kid can read"
    "I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle."
    "I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."
    "I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific."
    "I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. "

  27. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kelfazin View Post
    Are you thinking about mitch hedberg?

    "Every book is a children's book if the kid can read"
    "I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle."
    "I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."
    "I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific."
    "I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. "
    That's the one. Looks like a bunch of Wright material if you ask me.

  28. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by Spock Jenkins View Post
    That's the one. Looks like a bunch of Wright material if you ask me.
    He uses the same style of joke, but his delivery and stage persona are definately not like SW's.

  29. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by Noclevername View Post
    How many BAUTers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One to change the bulb, the rest to nitpick about how it should have been changed.
    And Neried to lock three dozen new posts about Electric Universe theories...

  30. #30
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    Welcome, DM!
    I posted this on the BA's blog today, but I'll put it here too, just because I love dumb puns:
    Question: Why did the anti-evolution kid take a textbook to the bar?
    Answer: Because they asked to see ID!
    The greatest journey of all time, for all to see
    Every mission makes our dreams reality
    And our destiny begins with you and me
    Through all space and time, the achievement of mankind
    As we sail the sea of discovery, on heroes’ wings we fly!

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