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Thread: Jokes

  1. #121
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    After a couple of hours it got so hot in the ball room that Tesla had to turn on the ac.

    Faraday, as usual, was caging drinks off of everyone.

    Kelvin was there, cold and aloof as ever.

    Higgs was having a field day teasing Chandrasekhar because he had reach his alcohol limit.

    Hubble and his wife arrived looking good. He wore a double breasted suit and she wore a simple red shift.

    I don't know who the two biologists were, but they sure made a grand entrance when they came sliding down the spiral staircase.

    Teller should have followed Chandrasekhar's example, because he sure got bombed.

    There was one fellow running about hogging all the conversations. Everyone ignored him because he was such a Bohr.

  2. #122
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    Okay, prepare yourselves for a lowering in quality...

    This man was walking home from a pub when a flying saucer appeared above him. Transfixed in a light beam, he lost consciousness.

    When he woke up, he found himself in a circular white room. Clearly he was on board the flying saucer. As he looked around him in awed amazement, a door slid open and three tall, slim aliens entered the room.

    The man was terrified, but the tallest of the aliens - apparently the leader - stepped forward, and said, "We will not harm you."

    The man let himself relax. He watched, curious, as one of the less tall aliens opened a hatch and took out a chunk of masonry. The alien then threw the masonry at the man. He dodged aside, but not quickly enough - part of it grazed his cheek quite painfully.

    Indignant, the man turned to the lead alien. "You just told me you wouldn't harm me!" he complained.

    "Ah," said the leader, "when I said 'we' I was referring to Geoffrey and myself. I can't speak for Simon."

  3. #123
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    For those who have seen a bit more math...

    There's a 747 in mid-flight, and by a freak chance both pilot and copilot have heart attacks and die. The stewardess, in a panic, rushes and grabs the first passesnger she sees (who happens to be Polish) and brings him into the cockpit. He sits at the controls, with all the knobs, switches, readouts, and levers before him. Finally he turns to the stewardess and says he can't do this.

    Stewardess: Why?!?
    Polish guy: 'cause I'm just a simple pole, and this is a complex plane.

    #-o

  4. #124
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    Quote Originally Posted by Normandy6644
    There's a 747 in mid-flight, and by a freak chance both pilot and copilot have heart attacks and die. The stewardess, in a panic, rushes and grabs the first passesnger she sees (who happens to be Polish) and brings him into the cockpit. He sits at the controls, with all the knobs, switches, readouts, and levers before him. Finally he turns to the stewardess and says he can't do this.

    Stewardess: Why?!?
    Polish guy: 'cause I'm just a simple pole, and this is a complex plane.
    So, did the stewardess run back to the passenger compartment and grab the Polish twins across the aisle from the first one?

  5. #125
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bawheid
    Quote Originally Posted by Richard of Chelmsford
    Quote Originally Posted by AndrewGPaul
    Scots quite often give words with an 'o' a long 'a' sound. That, and changing the emphasis on "a meringue" should help

    Prat!
    AGP, you nailed it with the phrasing.

    RoC, yir a dunderheid, yir Granny will be black affronted.
    Wheesht, yer scunner!!

  6. #126
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    I still don't get it... #-o

  7. #127
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    Sorry, I couldn't help it!

    Quote Originally Posted by Normandy6644
    For those who have seen a bit more math...

    There's a 747 in mid-flight, and by a freak chance both pilot and copilot have heart attacks and die. The stewardess, in a panic, rushes and grabs the first passesnger she sees (who happens to be Polish) and brings him into the cockpit. He sits at the controls, with all the knobs, switches, readouts, and levers before him. Finally he turns to the stewardess and says he can't do this.

    Stewardess: Why?!?
    Polish guy: 'cause I'm just a simple pole, and this is a complex plane.

    #-o
    They're called flight attendants now. And the word cockpit has been deemed offensive, so the new term is flight deck.

  8. #128
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    This isn't so much a joke as a funny true story.

    My Mum was telling me about someone she knew in the States, a woman who was down in the basement one day doing her washing.

    It was a hot day and the condensation was dripping off the ceiling, so she took her son's American football helmet and put it on, so as to protect her new hairdo from the drips.

    Then she decided to wash the dress she was wearing, so she slipped it off and put it in the tub, meaning to put on a new dress when she went upstairs.

    Suddenly, the door opened and the meter reader man walked in. She froze on the stop, standing there in her underwear with the football helmet on her head.

    The meter reader man walked right past her and read the meter. Then he walked back towards the door.

    He paused for a moment and looked her up and down.

    "I sure hope yore team wins, lady!" he said, and walked out.

  9. #129
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    Quote Originally Posted by Richard of Chelmsford
    .
    .
    .
    "I sure hope yore team wins, lady!" he said, and walked out.
    True story? Are you sure? I've seen this before - Reader's Digest, I think.

  10. #130
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gullible Jones
    I still don't get it... #-o
    If you mean the bakery "joke" I'll PM you.

  11. #131
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    Quote Originally Posted by frenat
    Quote Originally Posted by Swift
    It's the 666th prime number, starting with 2.
    http://www.utm.edu/research/primes/lists/small/1000.txt
    When I count on that table, I get 4909 at the 666th prime. (10 per line, 66th line, 6th number.) 4969 comes out to be the 675th prime. Am I doing some thing wrong?
    It looks like you're both wrong. The 6th number on the 66th line is the 656th prime number. (note that the last number of the 1st line is #10 -- so the last number of line 66 is 660th)

    But 4969, as you've noted, is the 5th number on the 67th line, making it the 665th (starting at 2). Perhaps whoever first wrote the joke considered "1" to be a prime number.


    My joke: (in the technical theme of this thread) -- An engineer and a mathematician were at one end of a hall. A magic genie appeared who told them that their perfect mates were at the end of the hall --- but there was a catch. They were only allowed to travel halfway to the end each day. (1/2 the first day. Then 1/2 of the remainder, or 1/4, the next.) The engineer immediately started off. The mathemetician just stood there laughing. "You'll never get to the end of the hallway, it's impossible!" The engineer replied " yeah, but in a week or so I'll be within acceptable tolerances"

  12. #132
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    Not really a "joke," but it sure made me laugh.

    "ENTROPY SEMINAR: The results of a five yeer studee ntu the sekend lw uf thurmodynamiks aand itz inevibl fxt hon shewb rt nslpn raq liot."

  13. #133
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    Let's leave no depth unplumbed.....

    A man walks down a street carrying a thirty foot long fibreglass pole. Someone comes up to him and asks;
    "Are you a polevaulter?"
    "No, I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"

  14. #134
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    Quote Originally Posted by Normandy6644
    Not really a "joke," but it sure made me laugh.

    "ENTROPY SEMINAR: The results of a five yeer studee ntu the sekend lw uf thurmodynamiks aand itz inevibl fxt hon shewb rt nslpn raq liot."
    Looks like Humphrey's typing.

  15. #135
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    Quote Originally Posted by BlueAnodizeAl
    Quote Originally Posted by Normandy6644
    Not really a "joke," but it sure made me laugh.

    "ENTROPY SEMINAR: The results of a five yeer studee ntu the sekend lw uf thurmodynamiks aand itz inevibl fxt hon shewb rt nslpn raq liot."
    Looks like Humphrey's typing.
    I was thinking the same thing, and then I saw your post.

  16. #136
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    Quote Originally Posted by BlueAnodizeAl
    Quote Originally Posted by Normandy6644
    Not really a "joke," but it sure made me laugh.

    "ENTROPY SEMINAR: The results of a five yeer studee ntu the sekend lw uf thurmodynamiks aand itz inevibl fxt hon shewb rt nslpn raq liot."
    Looks like Humphrey's typing.
    I guess it depends on what time it is as well. The later it gets, well, you know how it goes.

  17. #137
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    Quote Originally Posted by tlbs101
    Quote Originally Posted by Normandy6644
    There's a 747 in mid-flight, and by a freak chance both pilot and copilot have heart attacks and die. The stewardess, in a panic, rushes and grabs the first passesnger she sees (who happens to be Polish) and brings him into the cockpit. He sits at the controls, with all the knobs, switches, readouts, and levers before him. Finally he turns to the stewardess and says he can't do this.

    Stewardess: Why?!?
    Polish guy: 'cause I'm just a simple pole, and this is a complex plane.
    So, did the stewardess run back to the passenger compartment and grab the Polish twins across the aisle from the first one?
    No one replied to how good this comeback was. Two poles!

  18. #138
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    Quote Originally Posted by Meteora
    Quote Originally Posted by Richard of Chelmsford
    .
    .
    .
    "I sure hope yore team wins, lady!" he said, and walked out.
    True story? Are you sure? I've seen this before - Reader's Digest, I think.
    Well I can't get back to my Mum about it because she's dead now.

    Perhaps she published it in Reader's Digest?

    She wrote over 50 books in her lifetime which you can still get on Amazon.

  19. #139
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    Quote Originally Posted by Richard of Chelmsford
    She wrote over 50 books in her lifetime which you can still get on Amazon.
    Hmm...couldn't find a Mrs. Chelmsford as an author.


    A group of accountants and a group of lawyers from Los Angeles needed to be at a two-day seminar in San Diego, so they decided to take the train.

    As they boarded the train, each lawyer had one ticket. However, the accountants, as a group, only had one ticket total. The lawyers were asking the accountants what they were going to do. "Don't worry," was the reply.

    On the train, a lookout yelled, "The conductor's coming!" All the accountants piled into one bathroom. The conductor came around, saying, "Ticket, please; ticket, please..." When he saw the "occupied" sign on the bathroom, he knocked on the door, and said, "Ticket, please." A hand shot out with a ticket.

    The lawyers were impressed. So after the seminar was over, and the accountants and lawyers were back on the train heading home, the lawyers, as a group, had exactly one ticket. The accountants didn't have any. The lawyers were asking the accountants what they were going to do. "Don't worry," was the reply.

    A lookout yelled, "The conductor's coming!" All the lawyers piled into one bathroom, while all the accountants piled into another. But before the conductor came, one accountant walked out of his bathroom, knocked on the door of the lawyer's bathroom, and said, "Ticket, please."

  20. #140
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    Quote Originally Posted by AliCali
    Quote Originally Posted by Richard of Chelmsford
    She wrote over 50 books in her lifetime which you can still get on Amazon.
    Hmm...couldn't find a Mrs. Chelmsford as an author.
    Did you try O'Chelmsford, McChelmsford, or Fitzchelmsford?

  21. #141
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    Quote Originally Posted by Candy
    Quote Originally Posted by AliCali
    Quote Originally Posted by Richard of Chelmsford
    She wrote over 50 books in her lifetime which you can still get on Amazon.
    Hmm...couldn't find a Mrs. Chelmsford as an author.
    Did you try O'Chelmsford, McChelmsford, or Fitzchelmsford?
    Or Maman de Chelmsford if she used a nom de plume.

  22. #142
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bawheid
    Quote Originally Posted by Candy
    Quote Originally Posted by AliCali
    Quote Originally Posted by Richard of Chelmsford
    She wrote over 50 books in her lifetime which you can still get on Amazon.
    Hmm...couldn't find a Mrs. Chelmsford as an author.
    Did you try O'Chelmsford, McChelmsford, or Fitzchelmsford?
    Or Maman de Chelmsford if she used a nom de plume.
    Call me a cowardy-custard but I'm a bit loath to give out my surname (and hers) for the sake of internet security.

    She wrote under a number of pen-names too, but I don't know if they're on the search engines..

    Mary Jane Warmington,
    Jane Carrick,
    Alice Mackie,
    Jean Melville.

    But don't buy her books for yourselves, just for your old grannies.

  23. #143
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    In the spirit of the season, here you go...

    A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver
    won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies:
    "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."
    She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
    and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
    just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask
    that I would find offensive."
    "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
    She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
    to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
    The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
    "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his
    fantasy with a kiss that would make a h**ker blush. But when they get back
    on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
    "My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
    "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied I must confess, I'm married and I'm
    Jewish."
    The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween
    party."

  24. #144
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    Sidmel =D> =D> =D>

  25. #145
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    In a similar vein:

    Two nuns were driving down the road in full regalia: habits, crosses, rosary beads, etc. Suddenly a vampire leaped onto the hood of their car. In a panic, the driver shouted to the other nun "Quick, Sister, show him your cross!. So she leaned out the passenger window and screamed "Get the $%@# off of our car!!!

  26. #146
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    Joke my son made up when he was 5.

    "Why did the dog bite the little boy's bottom?"

    "Because it wanted his trousers as a bone."

  27. #147
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    Things To Do In An Elevator

    1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
    2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
    3) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.
    4) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
    5) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
    6) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
    7) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.
    8 ) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
    9) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"
    10) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
    11) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
    12) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
    13) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
    14) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
    15) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"
    16)Stand REALY close to the dore so when it opens people get a fright.

  28. #148
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    Speaking of lifts...

    A few years back, I had occasion to get into a lift while I was on my own. I'd noticed before I got in that the light wasn't working. I thought, no big deal, it's only a couple of floors. But when the doors closed, I realised that there was no light at all. I was in a box in complete darkness with no way of doing anything about my situation - I couldn't see the buttons to go to my floor or to open the doors or to sound the alarm.

    And I can't remember what I did next. Somehow I got to the right floor and got out. Either that or I'm still in there and the last few years have been a fantasy to help me cope.

  29. #149
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    Quote Originally Posted by Paul Beardsley
    Speaking of lifts...

    A few years back, I had occasion to get into a lift while I was on my own. I'd noticed before I got in that the light wasn't working. I thought, no big deal, it's only a couple of floors. But when the doors closed, I realised that there was no light at all. I was in a box in complete darkness with no way of doing anything about my situation - I couldn't see the buttons to go to my floor or to open the doors or to sound the alarm.

    And I can't remember what I did next. Somehow I got to the right floor and got out. Either that or I'm still in there and the last few years have been a fantasy to help me cope.
    I love lifts.............

  30. #150
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    QUESTION: Why did the chicken cross the road?

    Answers:
    Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
    Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was.
    Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
    Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
    The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
    Fox Mulder: It was a government conspiracy.
    Freud: The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
    Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically predisposed to cross roads
    Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.
    Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
    Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"
    Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
    Dirk Gently (Holistic Detective): I'm not exactly sure why, but right now I've got a horse in my bathroom.
    Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.
    M.C.Escher: That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.
    George Orwell: Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.
    Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
    Plato: For the greater good.
    Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
    Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
    B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own freewill.
    Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
    Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
    The Sphinx: You tell me.
    Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.
    Emily Dickenson: Because it could not stop for death.
    Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
    Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
    Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
    Saddam Hussein #2: It is the Mother of all Chickens.
    Joseph Stalin: I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelet.
    Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes the chicken crossed the road, but why he crossed, I've not been told!
    O.J.: It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.

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