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Thread: Jokes

  1. #691
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    Ceres, Pluto, Haumea, Eris, Makemake, Quaoar, and Orcus went into a bar.

    "What happened to Sedna?" asked the bartender.

    "He was way out there," said Ceres, "and none of us were Inuit."
    Do good work. —Virgil Ivan "Gus" Grissom

  2. #692
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    Schrödinger's cat went into a bar and stared at the menu for half an hour.

    "C'mon," said the bartender, "don't keep me guessing!"
    Do good work. —Virgil Ivan "Gus" Grissom

  3. #693
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    Ceres, Pluto, Haumea, Eris, Makemake, Quaoar, and Orcus went into a bar.

    "Why are you carrying picks and shovels?" asked the bartender.

    "Haven't you heard?" said Ceres. "We're miner planets."
    Do good work. —Virgil Ivan "Gus" Grissom

  4. #694
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    Quote Originally Posted by Roger E. Moore View Post
    Ceres, Pluto, Haumea, Eris, Makemake, Quaoar, and Orcus went into a bar.

    "What happened to Sedna?" asked the bartender.

    "He was way out there," said Ceres, "and none of us were Inuit."
    "He was so eccentric," added Pluto, "you couldn't tell if he was detached or scattered."
    Do good work. —Virgil Ivan "Gus" Grissom

  5. #695
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    Ceres, Pluto, Haumea, Eris, Makemake, Quaoar, and Orcus went into a bar.

    "We're thinking about adding more dwarf planets to our dwarf-planet gang," said Eris, consulting a piece of paper. "We're looking at Varuna, Ixion, Salaciam and 2003 AZ84."

    The bartender nodded. "Is that your short list?"
    Do good work. —Virgil Ivan "Gus" Grissom

  6. #696
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    A Dark Matter particle goes into a bar.

    "I'll just have a cup of gravity" it said weakly.
    "I'm planning to live forever. So far, that's working perfectly." Steven Wright

  7. #697
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    Ceres, Pluto, Haumea, Eris, Makemake, Quaoar, and Orcus went into a bar. As they sat at the counter, the bartender pointed to a sign on the wall. "Check out the 'Drink of the Day'," he said.

    The seven dwarf planets looked and saw the Drink of the Day was called "Pure HeII". They began daring each other to try it.

    Eventually Haumea ordered a Pure HeII. The bartender uncorked a bottle and poured it into a shot glass.

    "Here goes!" said Haumea, and he drank it down. Then he frowned and pounded the countertop. "Hey!" he shouted, "that's just plain old heavy hydrogen!"

    Pluto began laughing. "I get it!'" he said with a grin. "It wasn't 'Hell'. It was Helium-2, written with Roman numerals the way astronomers do it! Helium-2 is an unstable isotope with two protons and no neutrons, and it decays into deuterium so fast it probably changed as soon as it came out of the bottle!"

    Silence filled the bar for several long seconds.

    "You know," sighed the bartender, "If you have to explain a joke, you ruin it."

    .
    Last edited by Roger E. Moore; 2018-Nov-09 at 01:48 PM.
    Do good work. —Virgil Ivan "Gus" Grissom

  8. #698
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    You're a great audience! I love you! We're here all night!
    Do good work. —Virgil Ivan "Gus" Grissom

  9. #699
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    Quote Originally Posted by Roger E. Moore View Post

    "Here goes!" said Haumea, and he drank it down.
    And he went to spinning wildly, of course...

    Then that snob 'Oumuamua came by..

    "Just passing through..."

  10. #700
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    Smile

    Dwarf planets Ceres and Pluto compared notes as they waited for their drinks.

    "That spacecraft took so many photos of me, it left nothing to the imagination!" Ceres fumed.

    "You think that's bad," said Pluto. "The craft that flew by me caught me with a [[This joke cannot be continued without risk of infraction. My apologies.]]
    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails Click image for larger version. 

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    Do good work. —Virgil Ivan "Gus" Grissom

  11. #701
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    Having difficulty coming up with Seven Dwarf Planets jokes. Summoning my limited Dad Joke powers to make short work of it.

    Get it? Short work? Dwarf planets? I love myself.
    Do good work. —Virgil Ivan "Gus" Grissom

  12. #702
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    Quote Originally Posted by Roger E. Moore View Post
    Having difficulty coming up with Seven Dwarf Planets jokes. Summoning my limited Dad Joke powers to make short work of it.

    Get it? Short work? Dwarf planets? I love myself.
    A little humor is a dangerous thing.
    "I'm planning to live forever. So far, that's working perfectly." Steven Wright

  13. #703
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    Quote Originally Posted by noclevername View Post
    a little humor is a dangerous thing.
    Ouch! Ouch!
    Do good work. —Virgil Ivan "Gus" Grissom

  14. #704
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    Two Irishmen walk out of a bar

    ...

    Hey, it could happen!
    problems worthy of attack prove their worth by hitting back (Piet Hein)
    I cook with wine, and sometime I even add it to the food. (W.C. Fields)
    I don't ask stupid questions. I just make stupid statements!!!
    Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
    All truths are simple to understand, once they are found. The challenge is finding them. (attrib. to Galileo)


  15. #705
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    On Halloween, a woman in red dress walks into a bar with seven dwarf planets. The dwarf planets are dressed as a female barbarian, a medieval Dutch sea captain, a bipedal rabbit with a basket of eggs, a white-bearded red-suited elf, the Greek goddess Demeter, a yellow dog, and a salt shaker.

    "I'm 2007OR10," says the woman, "and these are Eris, Sedna, Makemake, Haumea, Ceres, Pluto, and Salacia."

    The bartender gives the woman in red a puzzled look. "Aren't you supposed to be Snow White?"

    The woman groans. "$#^@%$&* tholins."


    .
    Last edited by Roger E. Moore; 2018-Nov-13 at 05:59 PM. Reason: changed tense
    Do good work. —Virgil Ivan "Gus" Grissom

  16. #706
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    I wonder if you can brew tholins... Just watch for the webs..wait....

    Meanwhile, the holiday season has me on a downer. My dimwit cousin Billy may have to have his stomach pumped. He ate some of the plants set out for decoration.

    And now he has bowels of holly

    This too will pass.
    Last edited by publiusr; 2018-Dec-14 at 10:39 PM.

  17. #707
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    Hopefully he'll refrain from decking the halls with them.

  18. #708
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    Quote Originally Posted by publiusr View Post
    I wonder if you can brew tholins... Just watch for the webs..wait....

    Meanwhile, the holiday season has me on a downer. My dimwit cousin Billy may have to have his stomach pumped. He ate some of the plants set out for decoration.

    And now he has bowels of holly

    This too will pass.
    Holly ain't so jolly.
    "I'm planning to live forever. So far, that's working perfectly." Steven Wright

  19. #709
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    " I once met a man with a wooden leg named "Smith" .

    ( ref: Mary Poppins )

  20. #710
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    Why did the surfer cross the continent?

    To get to the other tide.

  21. #711
    Every time I see, " CQ forgetful?" I want to type, "What is CQ?'.
    From the wilderness into the cosmos.
    You can not be afraid of the wind, Enterprise: Broken Bow.
    https://davidsuniverse.wordpress.com/

  22. #712
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    Why did the traitor cross the road?

    To get to the other's side.

  23. #713
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    Why did Doctor Jekyll visit India?

    He wanted to play Hyde and Sikh.

  24. #714
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    The Nepalese man asked his son if he wanted to be a mountain guide when he grew up.

    The son said, "Sure, Pa."
    "I'm planning to live forever. So far, that's working perfectly." Steven Wright

  25. #715
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    Why did Bonnie Parker move to Scotland?

    To get to the other Clyde.

  26. #716
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    Why did the bigamist cross the road?

    To get to his other bride.

  27. #717
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    Schrödinger's cat may or may not have walked into a bar.
    At night the stars put on a show for free (Carole King)

    All moderation in purple - The rules

  28. #718
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    Reality TV walks in and lowers the bar.
    "I'm planning to live forever. So far, that's working perfectly." Steven Wright

  29. #719
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    A seismologist walks into a bar. The bartender calls, "Hey, what's shaking?"
    Do good work. —Virgil Ivan "Gus" Grissom

  30. #720
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    Why did the psychic medium cross the road?

    To contact the Other Side.
    "I'm planning to live forever. So far, that's working perfectly." Steven Wright

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