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Thread: Jokes

  1. #451
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    Which planet is the least popular?

    Uranus, it's been the butt of jokes for years.
    "I'm planning to live forever. So far, that's working perfectly." Steven Wright

  2. #452
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    Two statues have stood facing each other for over a1000 years. A handsome Male and a beautiful Female. One day a Fairy floats down from the sky and tells them that she has seen them there for ages and will treat them to half an hour as humans.
    As soon as she had waved her magic wand and they are turned into humans, they run off behind a bush together and the Fairy can hear lots of laughter and giggling!
    After 15 minutes they come back to their pedestals, looking flushed and dishevelled and the Fairy is amazed and says "You still have 15 minutes left!"
    The Male statue looks at the Female statue and says "would you like to go and do that all over again?" to which the Female statue replies
    "Ok, but can we change positions this time?"
    "Good idea!" says the Male, "This time I'LL hold the pigeon down while YOU crap on it's head!!"

  3. #453
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    Q: What's green and smells like red paint?

    A: Green paint.
    "I'm planning to live forever. So far, that's working perfectly." Steven Wright

  4. #454
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    Quote Originally Posted by Noclevername View Post
    Q: What's green and smells like red paint?

    A: Green paint.
    At night the stars put on a show for free (Carole King)

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  5. #455
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    If life gives you melons, maybe you're dyslexic.
    At night the stars put on a show for free (Carole King)

    All moderation in purple - The rules

  6. #456
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    Eoin Colfer walks into a bar.

    The barman says, "You gave me quite a shock, I thought you were Douglas Adams."

    "Really?"

    "No, not really."

  7. #457
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    A librarian tries out as a comedian. On her first night she starts out with a Librarian joke and everyone laughs and has a great time. So she then tries a chicken joke and everyone laughs uproariously, but after that the laughter gets weaker and weaker though the jokes are getting better and better! You see, no one takes librarians seriously at first.

  8. #458
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    "Did you hear that the 1980s band fronted by Suggs has taken to using contrived euphemisms to avoid offending people?"

    "Yeah - it's Madness gone politically correct!"

  9. #459
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    A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

    A dangling modifier walks into a bar. After finishing a drink, the bartender asks it to leave.

    A question mark walks into a bar?

    Two quotation marks “walk into” a bar.

    The bar was walked into by the passive voice.

    Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They drink. They leave.

    And, my favourite:

    A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, planning to drink.

  10. #460
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    A pronoun claimed that he walked into a bar.

  11. #461
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    A non-defining relative clause, who happens to like beer, walks into a bar.

    A present perfect tense has walked into a bar.

    A past perfect tense had previously walked into that same bar.

    An adverb that was previously thought of as just an adjective runs fast into a bar.

  12. #462
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    A spoonerism balks into a war.

    A superlative goes into a bar none.

    A musician segues into a bar.

    A telegrapher walks into a -... .- .-. .

  13. #463
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    So after many jokes have been told, a bar exceeds its fire safety occupancy limit...
    "I'm planning to live forever. So far, that's working perfectly." Steven Wright

  14. #464
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    What's the story with hedgehogs?

    I mean, why can't they just share the hedge?

  15. #465
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    Quote Originally Posted by AGN Fuel View Post
    What's the story with hedgehogs?

    I mean, why can't they just share the hedge?
    They're too busy investing in hedge funds.
    At night the stars put on a show for free (Carole King)

    All moderation in purple - The rules

  16. #466
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    Has your dog got rabies?
    Use GUN, G.U.N.

    One squeeze is all you need?

  17. #467
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    A preacher is late getting to a church luncheon, when he sees a lady parishioner leaving just as he reaches the building. Naturally, he asks why she is leaving.

    "Well," she begins, "I was sitting down waiting for the lunch to be served, when I heard three men arguing in the kitchen. The first man said, 'Throw it away, throw it away!' The second man said, 'Serve it! Serve it!' The last man said, 'Get it off the floor!'

    "And that's when I left."
    And here are some old ones--the first from Stalinist Russia, and the latter from postwar Austria. I hope they don't touch any sensitive nerves; and yes, I have the sources, if requested.

    A man gets thrown into a prison cell, to find another prisoner already occupying it. The following conversation occurs:

    "How long are you in for?", the new arrival asks.

    "Fifteen years."

    "What did you do?"

    "Nothing."

    "That can't be right; for nothing, they give you ten."
    Second joke:

    A former streetsweeper is walking along the road in Vienna, when he sees someone sweeping his former beat. He asks the man, "Why are you sweeping the street?" The man replies, "They made me sweep the street because I was in the Party." The other man says, "Lucky you; they won't let me sweep the street because I was in the Party!"

  18. #468
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    Incidentally strolling through Golder's Green I saw an unfortunate window cleaner slip from his ladder and fall awkwardly. Rushing over, I slipped my folded jacket under his head, supporting the neck.
    'Are you comfortable?', I asked him. 'I make a living', he shrugged.

  19. #469
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    A man walks into a bar, has a drink, and goes home.







    ...What, were you expecting something funny to happen?
    "I'm planning to live forever. So far, that's working perfectly." Steven Wright

  20. #470
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    The Dalai Lama walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, 'Make me one with everything.'

    The Lama gets his hot dog and pays with a five-dollar bill. The vendor takes the bill and pockets it. 'Don't I get change?', the Dalai Lama asks.
    'Change comes from within,' the vendor replies.

  21. #471
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    What's stripey and eats like a Horse?
    A Zebra

  22. #472
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    Strange - I love that one! It took me 20 years to find the second half of the joke!

  23. #473
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    Quote Originally Posted by MAPNUT View Post
    Strange - I love that one! It took me 20 years to find the second half of the joke!
    What is even better is trying to tell the joke to the Dalai Lama: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlIrI80og8c

    And at the risk of over-analysing things: the domain of 'everything' (which is where I got the joke from).

  24. #474
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    Quote Originally Posted by Strange View Post
    the domain of 'everything' (which is where I got the joke from).
    OK, from that link, could you explain how "Dogs must be carried on the escalators" can possibly be misconstrued? One idiotic comment is "None of this would happen if people would just learn to avoid the passive voice." To which I would reply "None of this would happen if people would just learn English."

    What am I missing?

  25. #475
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    One interpretation is "If you are using the escalator, you must carry a dog". As in, "a jacket and tie must be worn in the Club".

    Unless that is the sense you got from it....

  26. #476
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    Quote Originally Posted by Strange View Post
    One interpretation is "If you are using the escalator, you must carry a dog". ....
    Thanks. I am frequently criticized for seeing ambiguity everywhere, but I failed to spot that one. I'm still pondering the validity of it, which involves carrying at least two dogs, not one.

  27. #477
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    Quote Originally Posted by Perikles View Post
    ...which involves carrying at least two dogs, not one.
    Oh, very good.

  28. #478
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    No, because the Lama only asked for one dog. Then he went on the escalator. As long as there were other people who went on the escalator with dogs, or a dog, or a hot dog, the rule would be fulfilled.

  29. #479
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    Did someone mention llamas: http://languagelog.ldc.upenn.edu/nll/?p=3529

  30. #480
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    Quote Originally Posted by MAPNUT View Post
    No, because the Lama only asked for one dog. Then he went on the escalator. As long as there were other people who went on the escalator with dogs, or a dog, or a hot dog, the rule would be fulfilled.
    It is all very well presenting your ATM "theory" in words; show us the math!

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