Page 13 of 26 FirstFirst ... 3111213141523 ... LastLast
Results 361 to 390 of 756

Thread: Jokes

  1. #361
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Posts
    11,057
    I burst into my dentist's surgery and said, "Four questions. Last week you filled my Upper Right 7 but now the tooth feels hollow. Why is that? Under the rules of confidentiality, how many people know? What is the literal translation of nada? And what's the name of Shrek's wife?"

    He said, "The filling is gone. Only you and I. It means 'nothing' to me. Fiona."

  2. #362
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Posts
    11,057
    Bird flu - just when you think it's gone, another strain swoops back in.

    A friend of mine had ostrich flu, but would he go to the doctor's? I said to him, "You really must see a doctor. There's no use burying your head in the sand."

    Another friend got owl flu. I said, "You ought to make an appointment with Dr Theobald Bandage." He said, "Who?"

  3. #363
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    a long way away
    Posts
    10,993
    A friend of mine thought he had parrot flu. When the doctor asked him to say "aaah", he said "arrrr". Turns out he had pirate flu.

  4. #364
    Join Date
    Apr 2003
    Posts
    1,021
    Quote Originally Posted by Paul Beardsley View Post
    He said, "The filling is gone. Only you and I. It means 'nothing' to me. Fiona."
    RU going to scar. Borough fare. Parcel Lee's sage. Rose, marry in time!

  5. #365
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    a long way away
    Posts
    10,993
    Another friend thought he had bird flu. He said, "me sik. me go see dokta". Turns out he had pdigin flu.

  6. #366
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Posts
    11,057
    My friend needed a prescription. The pharmacist was in a hurry and my friend was some distance from the counter, so she threw the bottle of pills to him. Unfortunately her aim was poor and it was going straight for his head. Luckily he had duck flu.

  7. #367
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    a long way away
    Posts
    10,993
    When my friend was describing his symptoms his accent drifted from Yorkshire to Irish to Australian to Scottish and a bit of Geordie. Turns out he had Crowe flu.

  8. #368
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Posts
    4,303
    My friend got medication for his flu through his medical plan, but sold it online for booze money.
    He had hawk flu.

  9. #369
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    Nowhere (middle)
    Posts
    39,923
    There was a guy driving rather unsteadily home from the bar, when a cop pulled him over. "S'nod my fault, ossifer. M'sick." he slurred. When the skeptical cop asked what disease he had, the man replied "S'wine flu."
    "I'm planning to live forever. So far, that's working perfectly." Steven Wright

  10. #370
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    a long way away
    Posts
    10,993
    Another friend though she had bird flu .. you know ... "down there". Turned out to be candidiasis.

  11. #371
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    Nowhere (middle)
    Posts
    39,923
    "Knowledge is power!"

    "Who first said that?"

    "...I dunno."
    "I'm planning to live forever. So far, that's working perfectly." Steven Wright

  12. #372
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Posts
    3,359
    Bloke walks into a library...
    "Do you have any books on suicide?"
    "get lost, you'll never bring it back"

  13. #373
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Posts
    3,359
    My girlfriend left me because all my stories were disjointed and made no sense,
    and that's how I saved Christmas!

  14. #374
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Posts
    3,359
    Actually that wasn't true, she left me because she said I was childish,
    But I don't care, she's a silly poopy-head.

  15. #375
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Posts
    11,057
    "I'm going on holiday to see a total eclipse of the sun."

    "How much will that set you back?"

    "4000."

    "4000 for an eclipse? That's daylight robbery!"

  16. #376
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Posts
    3,359
    so this dyslexic chap walks into a Bra..

  17. #377
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Posts
    3,359
    I fainted in the curry house when I heard REM had split up.

    That's me in the korma.

  18. #378
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Posts
    3,359
    A cloud of Argon drifts into a bar
    Asks for a pint of vodka
    The barman spits "we don't serve your kind in here"
    The Argon, doesn't react

  19. #379
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Posts
    3,359
    My mate rang me and asked, "What're you doing at the moment?"

    I said, "Probably failing my driving test."

  20. #380
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Posts
    3,359
    Q: How many sub-editors does it take to
    change a light bulb?
    A: Too.

  21. #381
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Posts
    11,057
    An excellent run from Mellow. I'm in agony at the moment from a sports injury (due to the fact that I almost never do sport) yet they still made me laugh, although the sub-editor joke roused a bitter laugh as I recall when I used to write for SFX magazine and the sub-editors routinely made my writing look illiterate.

    Oh well, off to find some pain killer.

  22. #382
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Posts
    13,886
    The bartender says, "We don't serve tachyons here."

    A tachyon walks into a bar.

  23. #383
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Posts
    11,057
    A neutrino walks into a bar.

    The bartender says, "We..."

    The neutrino walks through the bartender and out the back.

    (Mike's was better.)

  24. #384
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Posts
    721
    A neutrino walks into a bar.

    The bartender says, "Can I get you a drink?"

    The neutrino says, "Not right now, I'm waiting for my pal Photon. He's usually pretty punctual, but I like to show up a bit early."

  25. #385
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Location
    The Valley of the Sun
    Posts
    9,954
    A bunch of electrons walk into a large hotel and form an interference pattern at the bar, and the bartender says "I must need new glasses."

  26. #386
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Posts
    11,057
    An up quark walks into a bar and orders a pint. The bartender says, "I don't mind serving you, but you're too gosh-darned small to drink it!"

  27. #387
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Location
    The beautiful north coast (Ohio)
    Posts
    50,935
    Two up quarks and a down quark walk into a bar and order pints. The bartender says, "who let you guys out of the proton?"
    At night the stars put on a show for free (Carole King)

    All moderation in purple - The rules

  28. #388
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    1,665
    An electron, a photon, and a neutrino walk into the bar.

    The electron orders a pint of Guinness, spins it and downs it.

    The photon orders a light ale and tries to make it last forever.

    The nuetrino orders six Swiss ales, drinks them all one after another and shouts at the barman: "6.00 for a half, what a bloody rip off I'm not paying that!" then turns to photon and says "No, no I'm goodsh for anothersh I'll get taxi 'ome" throws up and falls off his stool.

    Photon and electron look at him on the floor and photon says : "You always have to get ahead of yourself when we get drunk, don't you?

  29. #389
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Posts
    3,359
    If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say, "Help, they've turned me into a parrot", you are wasting everybody's time.

  30. #390
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Posts
    3,359
    I'm the sort of bloke who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

Similar Threads

  1. Jokes!
    By Fraunkensteen in forum Fun-n-Games
    Replies: 353
    Last Post: 2012-Mar-12, 09:11 PM
  2. Jokes!
    By Fraunkensteen in forum Off-Topic Babbling
    Replies: 275
    Last Post: 2011-Jul-15, 02:20 PM
  3. Old Jokes
    By NEOWatcher in forum Off-Topic Babbling
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: 2008-Nov-14, 11:35 PM
  4. new jokes
    By Redrum in forum Fun-n-Games
    Replies: 45
    Last Post: 2007-Apr-24, 06:14 PM
  5. Where's the jokes?
    By Lianachan in forum Forum Introductions and Feedback
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: 2005-Sep-25, 05:42 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •