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Thread: Jokes

  1. #301
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    Quote Originally Posted by Paul Beardsley View Post
    He painted the words, "Rosebud was a sledge!" on the bonnet [hood in the US]!
    !
    "Sled" in the US!

  2. #302
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    Did you hear about the Hoax Believer who couldn't understand why he'd got three brothers whereas his sister had four?

    (Test message - my new posts don't seem to be appearing in my own threads.)

    ETA Hmm, it's not all of them then.

  3. #303
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    Do you know why Mary Whitehouse wanted KnightRider moved to after the water shed, in the 80s?



    She had heard that the David Hasselhoff got out of his kit in every episode.

  4. #304
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    Everyone probably knows this one, but it came recently to me from a friend and is new to me. it made me laugh.

    A: It is too late to be the first to send astronauts to the moon, but we can be the first to send them to the sun!

    B: But the sun is a huge hot ball of fire, if we get anywhere near it, our spacecraft will be incinerated!

    A: We'll go at night.

    hehe.

  5. #305
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    Q. What's the definition of an overpaid astrologer?

    A. A paid astrologer.

  6. #306
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    Okay, so this dragon walks into a bar.

    And he orders a 5th of scotch.

    And the bartender's like, "No way; one puff of breath from you and all the liquor will blow."

    So, to get even, the dragon exhaled.

    The bartender was right!

  7. #307
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    lol

    Little dragons love to hear the story of the Big Bad Wolf, because they get to huff and puff and blow the house down. Another favorite is Clifford the Big Red Dog. Their favorite movie is Enter the Dragon, with Bruce Lee. When they buy snacks they tend to get Ginger Snaps at the service counter or they head to McDonalds to 'Grab a burger', unless they are in the mood for Mexican.

  8. #308
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    Quote Originally Posted by Paul Beardsley View Post
    Did you hear about the Hoax Believer who couldn't understand why he'd got three brothers whereas his sister had four?
    No, please tell us!

  9. #309
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    Quote Originally Posted by MAPNUT View Post
    No, please tell us!
    He couldn't understand why he'd got three brothers whereas his sister had four.

    You see, he'd failed to include himself when considering his sister's point of view, which was because he (rightly) omitted to include himself when considering his own point of view regarding the number of brothers he had. This was because he was stupid. I am not suggesting that all HBs are stupid, just this one.

  10. #310
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    Quote Originally Posted by Paul Beardsley View Post
    He couldn't understand why he'd got three brothers whereas his sister had four.

    You see, he'd failed to include himself when considering his sister's point of view, which was because he (rightly) omitted to include himself when considering his own point of view regarding the number of brothers he had. This was because he was stupid. I am not suggesting that all HBs are stupid, just this one.
    I don't understand the explanation. I think this is a hoax.

  11. #311
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    Quote Originally Posted by Perikles View Post
    I don't understand the explanation. I think this is a hoax.
    Agreed, how likely is it that he even had a sister given how such a sister would have none? Otherwise, how did the 4th brother die?
    We know time flies, we just can't see its wings.

  12. #312
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    Quote Originally Posted by George View Post
    Agreed, how likely is it that he even had a sister given how such a sister would have none? Otherwise, how did the 4th brother die?
    I was hoping I wouldn't have to open this one up again*, but here goes.

    His sister was actually his half-sister, though in fact he believed she was merely his step-sister because she was adopted but nobody had realised that, not even her father, who had conceived her during an inadvertently adulterous liaison at a topiary convention. Inadvertently, you ask? Yes, because the woman in question was the exact double of his wife. Possibly a twin, possibly not - I haven't looked into it that closely - but as far as the father was concerned, he was simply celebrating his love for his wife. Though it did occur to him to wonder why she had suddenly acquired a tattoo of Don Johnson out of Miami Vice on her left cheek, and why said tattoo had disappeared just as quickly when he got back from the topiary convention. I think he assumed it was a henna tattoo; more surprisingly, he didn't seem to question the fact that his "wife" took a train going in the opposite direction to him, yet his Sonny Crockett-free wife apparently arrived home before he did.

    Now things get complicated.

    While the father was away at the topiary convention, the mother had an equally innocent adulterous relationship with the exact double of her husband - apart from the tattoo of Philip Michael Thomas (Rico Tubbs in Miami Vice) on his right cheek. This is how the fourth son was conceived. He did not die; in fact he dyed - that is to say, he became a professional colourer of fabrics. Despite their shared upbringing, he developed a romantic attachment to the adopted sister who was his half-brothers' half-sister but was in fact unrelated to him, unless her mother was his aunt, which, as I say, I have not ascertained, but in any case it's legal for first cousins to marry, and if it's good enough for Darwin, who's to criticise?

    Hmm, I've not made it clear that the father's exact double was a hitherto unknown twin. They'd been separated at birth by an incompetent hospital porter who also worked as a professional Neil Armstrong impersonator. It was a later, coincidental meeting with this porter that introduced the HB son into the hoax idea.

    But I realise I'm spelling out the joke, which is never a good idea, so I'll stop here.

    *See the January 1983 issue of Scientific Canadian.

  13. #313
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    That sounds like a totally plausible true story, now I understand completely. Thanks.

  14. #314
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    Probably not a true story....

    There was a guy a few years back that was a baseball pitcher by the name of Milton Phamie, of Major League ability. He had never made it out of the minor league however, because in spite of his ability, he also had a problem with alcohol.

    Although, he was absolutely brilliant when sober, he would often sit in the bullpen and sneak a few beers when someone else was pitching. As a consequence, he was never called on as a relief pitcher. However, during one game, the manager went thru all his pitchers, and needed Milton to come in for the last inning to save the game.

    Milton was well thru a 12 pack by this time, and although giving it a try, could not throw a straight pitch, walking three batters, and allowing the winning run to come in.

    As all the players are leaving the field, one of the winning team notices the pile of beer cans behind the fence. Curious, he asks, "what are those?"

    Another player, who is familiar with Milton's problem, says, "why, that's the beer that made Milt Phamie walk us!"


  15. #315
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    Sam Harris once noted that a downside to being an atheist is not knowing who to call out to during sex.

  16. #316
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    Quote Originally Posted by mike alexander View Post
    Sam Harris once noted that a downside to being an atheist is not knowing who to call out to during sex.
    Right. "oh my flying spaghetti monster!" seems to work only if you want to put a sense of consternation in the girl's eyes.

  17. #317
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    Quote Originally Posted by mike alexander View Post
    Sam Harris once noted that a downside to being an atheist is not knowing who to call out to during sex.
    Geronimo is immortal ????????

  18. #318
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    A policeman is driving his cruiser down the road. A woman passes him in the opposing lane and yells "Pig!"
    The cop looks in his rear-view mirror to get her license number as he rounds a gentle turn.
    He doesn't see the large hog standing in the road ahead, hits it and dies.

  19. #319
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    Quote Originally Posted by Paul Beardsley View Post
    I was hoping I wouldn't have to open this one up again*, but here goes.

    His sister was actually his half-sister, though in fact he believed she was merely his step-sister because she was adopted but nobody had realised that, not even her father, who had conceived her during an inadvertently adulterous liaison at a topiary convention. Inadvertently, you ask? Yes, because the woman in question was the exact double of his wife. Possibly a twin, possibly not - I haven't looked into it that closely - but as far as the father was concerned, he was simply celebrating his love for his wife. Though it did occur to him to wonder why she had suddenly acquired a tattoo of Don Johnson out of Miami Vice on her left cheek, and why said tattoo had disappeared just as quickly when he got back from the topiary convention. I think he assumed it was a henna tattoo; more surprisingly, he didn't seem to question the fact that his "wife" took a train going in the opposite direction to him, yet his Sonny Crockett-free wife apparently arrived home before he did.

    Now things get complicated.

    While the father was away at the topiary convention, the mother had an equally innocent adulterous relationship with the exact double of her husband - apart from the tattoo of Philip Michael Thomas (Rico Tubbs in Miami Vice) on his right cheek. This is how the fourth son was conceived. He did not die; in fact he dyed - that is to say, he became a professional colourer of fabrics. Despite their shared upbringing, he developed a romantic attachment to the adopted sister who was his half-brothers' half-sister but was in fact unrelated to him, unless her mother was his aunt, which, as I say, I have not ascertained, but in any case it's legal for first cousins to marry, and if it's good enough for Darwin, who's to criticise?

    Hmm, I've not made it clear that the father's exact double was a hitherto unknown twin. They'd been separated at birth by an incompetent hospital porter who also worked as a professional Neil Armstrong impersonator. It was a later, coincidental meeting with this porter that introduced the HB son into the hoax idea.

    But I realise I'm spelling out the joke, which is never a good idea, so I'll stop here.
    Thanks, I knew there was a simple answer.
    We know time flies, we just can't see its wings.

  20. #320
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    A man goes into the confession booth and says "Bless me father for I have sinned. I'm eighty-two years old, but last night I made love to two beautiful twenty year old women-at the same time."

    The priest asks, "When was your last confession?"

    The man replies, "Never. I'm Jewish."

    The priest asks, "Then why are you telling me?"

    The man replies, "Heck, Father, I'm telling EVERYBODY!"

  21. #321
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    A couple move into an apartment and decide they want to repaint the living room. They go next door to ask the neighbor, who has an identical apartment, if he has ever done any painting in his place and if so, how much paint did he buy?

    "Yes, I just repainted the living room last year. I bought seven gallons," he said.

    The couple thank him and head to the paint store, where they purchase seven gallons of a custom color mix. To their consternation, they find when they are finished they have four gallons left over. Heading back next door they tell the neighbor, "We bought seven gallons as you said, but now have four gallons left over."

    "Huh," he replied. "Same thing happened to me."

  22. #322
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    Two cows are standing in the pasture.
    The first one asks, "Are you worried about this latest outbreak of mad cow disease?'
    "No," the second one replies. "I'm a chicken."

  23. #323
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    A man walks into a barn. Walks out again after realizing his mistake... A farmer walks into a bar; common error, I suppose...

  24. #324
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    A man walks into a sub and orders a beer. The barman says, "You'd be surprised how few people realise we sell drinks to the public. Anyway, drink up, we're diving in ten minutes."

  25. #325
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    A corpse walks into a bar and orders a bier...

  26. #326
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    What do you call it when you kill a king and then shove his remains under a door to stop it swinging shut in a breeze?








    Wedgicide.

  27. #327
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    An author with an aversion to commas and full stops has been prosecuted under the Punctuation Act and handed a very long sentence by the judge.

  28. #328
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    So they threw the book at him?

  29. #329
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    ^^^ No. The police never charged him with bracketeering.

  30. #330
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    So I walked into this art gallery, and there was this watercolour of a young woman. I said, "Wow, you're beautiful!" She said, "Oh come on, I'm no oil painting."

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